Catherine Hardwicke’s Twilight is the stuff of adolescent angst and woe, with the assurance of a firm fan base in the best-selling novel it was based upon. So much so that Fandango sold 5 Twilight tickets per second before its US release despite less than impressive reviews. Twilight sucked the box office dry, and is virtually critic-proof. As such, this review might not be of any significance, but here’s our two cents worth anyway.

The story revolves around Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), who goes to live with her police chief dad in the very small town of Forks. There, she becomes the flavour of the month as the new girl at a population-stunted school, more literally so as the newbie with an extra potent blood scent to the vampires that plague the town. She then falls in love with a century-old 17-year-old in Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vegan vampire. She in turn (or her blood rather), is regarded as the heroin he must deny. But they fall in love anyway, and he twinkles in the sun to literally dazzle her pants off.

While Hardwicke taps well into what her demographic wanted in Twilight (that Pattinson was such an asset), she failed to deliver the action her trailers strongly suggested. There was neither suspense nor intensity, leaving most of the story plots hardly memorable at all. Aside from the yummy male cast, the only thing that seemed to stand out was the horrible soundtrack and equally barf-enducing lines, which seemed to give the whole movie a ‘The Bold and the Beautiful meets 90210’ appalling pilot feel. Nonetheless, it was apparent that the (predominantly female) audience would be far too distracted with Pattinson’s allure to notice any faults. Each appearance and utterance garnered shifty seats and muttered sighs among gasps.