The Furious Five: Run For Cover

You buy pirated DVDs. This is something you have to fess up to before we can proceed. Yes. You are a criminal, and the sinful entertainment you purchase every other  Wednesday night in SS2 contributes to  putting the likes of Jeff Katzenberg, Tom Cruise and Guillermo Del Toro out on the streets. I'm not sure what happens to CGI characters like WALL-E and Lindsay Lohan's reduced boobs in Herbie: Fully Loaded, but I'm sure it's nothing good.

However. More of an injustice to all that is good and pure in Hollywood (wait, what?) than your buying pirated DVDs is  the nefarious pirate DVD cover designer, who sleepily and apathetically mangles the one thing 90% of us judge today's equivalent of a book (b-o-o-k; Wiki it, son) by. I wasn't crazy enough to go out and actually purchase any actual DVDs - Freeform wasn't about to bankroll that particular proposal - so it was to Google Images I went. Talk about being spolied for choice. Here are five pieces of evidence to justify the forceful rehabilitation of these unethical users of (also pirated) Photoshop CS3:

(But before I continue, yo. Why are you still buying pirate DVDs? Dunno how to download  for free is it?)

#1:It's entirely plausible that in a language other than English, possibly Pig Portuguese, 'virgem' really does mean 'virgin'. But for the sake of vitriol, i'll place that in extreme doubt. Still, you have to appreciate the irony: the dude locked in some dank Triad den in Jalan Alor who goofed this up doesn't know how to spell his current social status. That's what you get for spending more time on Dance Dance Revolution in Sungei Wang Plaza than reading something more subtantial than the warning label on your pack of L&M's.

#2:A wittier graphic designer would have, in light of Michael Richards' racist shenanigans, Jerry Seinfeld's shameful attempt at mainstream re-entry with Bee Movie, and Julia Dreyfus and Jason Alexander's general lack of existence, renamed this DVD Seinfedup. But that would have been too close to an Onyx album. On an aside, I dare any one of you reading this (all three of you) to watch Seinfeld from start to finish, complete from ALL season. You won't walk proper for a week, trust.

#3:This cover looks awesome. No, really. It's probably the least-tweaked cover on this list, so the original Hollywood gloss looks great in current company. I don't even mind the rainbow sheen the reticulated plastic outer layer lends to the design; it just looks right, dagnabbit. Who cares if the movie sucked more than Electrolux? But check the back cover:

Closer, closer.Thank you, graphic designer. Your honesty shines through like a beacon and is an inspiration to all of us in the publication industry. I doff my trucker cap to you, good sir. Long may you desperately look for review quotes on www.rottentomatoes.com.

#4:

Now this is an Adam Sandler movie, for real. Drew Barrymore's expression makes much more sense now. However, Mr. Sandler's look of longing just jumped about 30 rungs up the creepy ladder and places him in a nose-to-nose race to the finish with Josef Goebbels, Emperor Palpatine and Pope Benedict XVI. I'm sorry. I need to move on from this cover now. I feel ... dirty. *runs*

#5:Now this is just sloppy. Where should I start? The gross mispelling? The gigantic factual errors? I mean, they couldn't even be bothered to put up the actual cast members! This amateurish attempt at a DVD cover looks nothing like the original Lord of the Rings! Wait. What? What do you mean this isn't a bootleg of  Lord of the Rings?

Oh. Oh.

Gee, my bad.