The Furious Five: Traffic Jams

Pick a scenario: you're on your way to work. About to meet a hot date. You reaaally need to go to the bathroom. You're in labour. It doesn't matter. All it takes is for you to take a wrong turn into Jalan Pekeliling at the wrong time of day and you're naming the twins by consensus with the 175 people or so waiting for a bus in front of the Vistana Hotel. Traffic jams are the scourge of KL life, and regardless of what the powers that be do to alleviate our suffering, we keep on losing. After conducting in depth research (read: 30 years of wading through gridlock muck) here's my list of the five things that cause us all to inch ever closer to the gates of eternal damnation every  day come rush hour:

#5: AccidentsYou consider yourself a conscientious user of the city's roads; you always drive 5 km/hour under the posted speed limit, your seatbelt's always on, even when you're going to the 7-11 two and half minutes away (you've timed the trip for efficiency's sake) to get a pack of emergency rubbers, you send your Kancil to the workshop just because you think the left blinker's blinkering a little dimly these days. Your karma points on the road, were they redeemable, would qualify you for toll-free highway access until your great-grandchildren hit Spring Break age. So you assume that if you keep your head down and behave, nothing adverse is going to lay itself on your  mild-mannered behind. Wrong.Nice guys finish behind a lori ayam on the Federal Highway at 11.45pm while two miles away 15 automobiles have fused themselves together after a collision which occured at roughtly three times the speed limit. Accidents will happen. And even if you had nothing to do with it, if an accident happens on the road, you're pretty much camping out. Lucky you.

#4: Football
A long, long time ago, when the world was a simpler place and the earth was green and the forces of good still held sway over mankind, we still had traffic jams in KL. Every time a football match (or a horse race in the Selangor Turf Club, but that's another story) took place in Stadium Merdeka, the city streets looked like an asteroid was about to hit at about 12 minutes' notice. Improved roads have lessened the effect somewhat, and KLites aren't prone to slapping on the red and yellow Selangor face paint as they were 15 years ago. But  if you're talking about an EPL match, or the Euro Cup, or (Lord have mercy) the World Cup, then all bets are still off. Malaysians are still pretty hooked on watching footie live with as many other people as possible, even if it's just a TV broadcast, albeit one that's projected onto a screen the size of the mainsail on Noah's Ark. You might not know your Peter Schmeichel from your Michael Schumaker, and not even care, but pay attention to when there's going to be a football match on and do yourself a favour. Stay at home.

#3: DemonstrationsThis is a fairly new addition to our traffic experience, but for the past decade or so, when you see a throng of people wearing matching headbands and t-shirts, and you're pretty sure it's not a football night, turn around and head home unless you like stealing awkward glances at the cute girl in the car next to yours in the jam for hours on end. Whatever your views on street demos, you have to admit that they hold up regular traffic like nobody's business. Not only are you forced to stay put in your car while the wheels of democracy turn ever onwards into a brighter future, you also run the risk, if you're close enough to the action, of being submerged in a sea of panicky demonstrators denting your car as they run from the cops. Then there's the matter of getting your still-nominally-trendy Honda Jazz getting doused in chemical water. That stuff can peel off the skin of a heavily-calloused rhino. A definite block in your social life, that. Speaking of which ...

#2: RoadblocksAs our society slides ever further into the depths of fiery chaos and dystopian despair, Big Brother's KL chapter still hasn't gotten the hang of getting a budget appropriation large enough to install CCTVs all over town and place a spy satellite to keep tabs on all us subversives, so they've kept things old school - and grossly inefficient - by implementing to death the age-old technique of direct surveillance known as the roadblock. The boys in blue used to set up roadblocks to weed out mat rempits who think KL is Neo Tokyo and the 125cc lawnmowers they ride are custom tarmac shredders, or illegal immigrants who got too uppity and bought cars for themselves - because that's just wrong. Now, however, roadblocks are seen as the government's whiny tit-for-tat response to the aforementioned demonstrations, ensuring that not only is your commute screwed in the city center, you're also stuck in gridlock on any of the highways leading into KL 12 hours on either end of a scheduled demonstration. Still, things could be worse. The cops could have been trained to ask you for your papers in a crap German accent.

#1: RainI have no idea how things are like for traffic conditions in other cities when it comes to rain, but in KL rain falling is akin to petrol prices jumping to RM8 a litre - nothing moves. It's as though cars here are made of extremely thin mueslin - then again, if you believe what the Terengganu state government says, that might just be the case for at least one model. It's not just the major tree-falling storms that cause a ruckus, either; just a whiff of iron in the air and streets somehow lock up like a ultrapuritan nun. I was driving down Mahameru one night, traffic conditions were, as the voice on the radio was happily announcing, "clear and smooth moving". Then it started drizzling. By the time I was passing the Parliament building, the road was jammed up with slightly-sprinkled cars bumper to bumper like there was a Metrojaya blowout sale in Pusat Bandar Damansara. Or maybe there was a demonstration in Parliament. I give up.

Wan is saving up for a nice 21-speed mountain bike. He wishes he was joking.